


Love (Hate) You Goodbye

by Fallen_Lilo



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angry/hate sex, Angst, M/M, OT5, Smut, Zayn leaving, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6102498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_Lilo/pseuds/Fallen_Lilo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It hit them all at once. They knew it was coming for a long time now. Everyone knew.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Zayn was leaving.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Love (Hate) You Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: fallen-lilo.tumblr.com

It hit them all at once. They knew it was coming for a long time now. Everyone knew.

_Zayn was leaving._

Not taking a break. Not going to visit family or clear his head, but leaving. _For good._ No more LouisLiamHarryNiallZayn. No more "Hi. We. Are. One. Direction."

Zayn stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room of Harry and Niall's shared hotel room. He scratched the back of his neck and watched as the boys stared at him as if Ashton Kutcher would be jumping out of the closet at any minute now yelling 'you've all been punk'd!' But this was reality, and Zayn was as serious as he had ever been.

Niall was the first to speak up. His lips quirked into a small smile and he shook his head. "Nahhhh. Yer kiddin'. Pullin' our legs." He let out a nervous chuckle and looked down at the ground. _Stage One: Shock and Denial._

"This isn't a joke," Zayn said softly, face sad as he tried getting Niall to meet his gaze. "I've already worked it all out with management. Tomorrow's my last show..." He trailed off when he saw the way Harry's green eyes were slowly filling with tears.

"How long-" Liam's voice cut off and he cleared his throat before he began again, "how long have you been planning this?" He tried his best to keep his voice low and smooth, but there was a slight shake to it.

Zayn shrugged. "I've been thinking about it for a while now. The job's too much for me. I just - I can't do this anymore. It's not me, it never was," he tried explaining, but he knew it was no use. They wouldn’t understand. They’d just see Zayn as some traitor. At least, that’s what he felt like. A traitor. "I never meant for it to come to this. S'not like I don't love you boys. I do, I swear it. S'just time for me to go..."

Harry blinked rapidly, not even bothering to brush his long curls out of his face. He just reached beneath them and wiped at his eyes. It broke Zayn's heart to see his best mates’ hearts slowly breaking, piece by piece, all because of him. He never meant for any of it to play out like this, but it was time. He was fed up with the shit he had been putting up with the last four years and was ready to be free to do his own thing.

Zayn slowly turned his attention to Louis. He knew he should've sat the lad down separately and told him, but Zayn wasn't sure he could repeat this twice. The one time was hard enough. "Lou?" He called out, voice soft, as if he were speaking to a wild, stray animal.

For the first time in his life, Louis had absolutely nothing to say. No smart remark, no funny anecdote to add. Nothing. He kept his eyes trained on a scuff mark on the tip of his left shoe. He felt a mix of emotions bubbling up inside him. Betrayal, anger, sadness. It was all too much. He wasn't sure what hurt worse: seeing the way Zayn was hurting his best mates or the fact that Zayn could just leave him behind like he was nothing. Louis clenched his fists where they rested on his thighs and shook his head. Quickly, Louis stood, ignoring the call of his name from Liam and stomped for the door.

"Louis, wait, we need to talk about this," Zayn said as he grabbed Louis's arm to stop him from going any further.

Louis's glare could've burned holes in Zayn's head if he had the ability. "Fuck you," he spat and yanked his arm from Zayn's grip and stormed out of the hotel room, slamming the door, causing Niall to flinch. _Stage Two: Anger._

The silence that followed was eerie. No one knew what to say at this point.

“I think – I’m going to…” Liam trailed off and stood up, going to follow Louis out. When Zayn tried stopping him, Liam just gently brushed him off and stared at him with a blank expression. He wiped his nose and silently left in search for the angry lad. _Stage Three: Depression and Detachment._

Zayn closed his eyes and gasped when he felt a body crashing into his own, a face being buried in his neck. “Don’t go,” Harry breathed out, hands gripping Zayn’s shirt. “Please, don’t leave. We’ll fix this. Whatever you want. We’ll make it happen.” 

“It doesn’t work like that, Haz,” Zayn whispered and hesitantly wound his arms around the lad’s waist. He had expected shoving and screaming, not hugs and tears. He expected more reactions like Louis’s; not this. He would’ve preferred them all to storm out. He couldn’t sit around and watch Harry cry.

“But you can’t just leave!” Harry cried out and clutched Zayn’s slender frame. “Please, Zayn. Don’t go. I need you, we all need you,” he pleaded. Harry needed Zayn to stay. _Stage Four: Dialogue and Bargaining._

Zayn stayed silent after that, holding the lad as tears slipped down his own cheeks. He was a cruel, heartless man. He knew it. Who could make Harry cry like this and do absolutely nothing?

“Harry…” Niall muttered after a while and pried Harry from Zayn’s body. “C’mon, we need to go. Show’s soon.” He kept his voice soft and quiet, arm curling around Harry’s waist to keep him from tripping over his own feet. Harry was resistant, but he went anyhow.

When Zayn was left alone, he backed into the wall before slowly sliding to the floor, knees pulled to his chest. He hadn’t prepared for it to hurt this much. Nor did he prepare to feel relief at the thought of leaving, but that relief only made him feel even guiltier. How could he be happy when his four best mates were crying and suffering because of his choices?

~~~~~~~

Sad and heavy with dread with just finishing his last show with One Direction, Zayn dragged himself up the stairs to the bus and sighed. His ears perked when he heard gaspy breaths and his name being cursed followed by the sound of thumping against the floor. Zayn stepped into view and found Louis tossing his stuff around the bus. “What the fuck are you doing?” He asked, quickly moving to pick up his clothes that were scattered across the lounge area. Sure, the bus was always messy, but this was Louis’s doing.  
“I want your shit gone,” Louis wiped harshly at his eyes and continued to toss Zayn’s things into a pile by the couch. “I want you and your shit gone. Now.” Zayn knew it was a defense mechanism and he deserved it, but Louis was pissing him off. He didn’t have to make a mess of things. Though, in reality, Zayn was the one who did so.

“Hey,” Zayn snapped when he saw a couple sketchbooks and a notebook being tossed haphazardly onto the floor. He grabbed Louis by his shirt and snatched him back before shoving him onto the couch. “That’s enough!” He yelled and shot daggers at Louis as grabbed his books and checked for any damage that hadn’t been there before. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“ _My_ problem? What is my problem?” Louis pushed himself off the couch and didn’t bother fixing his ruffled clothes. “What is your problem?”

Zayn busied himself with picking up his clothes that he had been packing the night before. Now he had to re-fold everything that Louis destroyed. “I didn’t have a problem until I found you throwing a temper tantrum like a damn child.”

“If anyone’s the child here, it’s you,” Louis scoffed, eyes squinting as he watched Zayn’s every move. “You’re the one who’s been throwing a temper tantrum the past five fucking years!”

Zayn spun around on his heel and stared at Louis with raised brows, “is that really all you’ve got? C’mon, Louis, I know you’re just dying to say it. So, go on, say it.” He knew Louis better than anyone and knew Louis had a long list of names and things to call him. If it kept Louis from wrecking his things, then so be it.

“I’m glad you’re leaving. I don’t have to sit and listen to you whine about every goddamn thing we do. You should’ve left years ago,” Louis yelled, waving his hands around as he spoke. Zayn felt a stab to his heart, but he knew it was all a ploy. Louis was hurt and trying to protect himself in the only way Louis knew how to – attack someone else.

“You’ve always been a fucking hassle,” Louis continued, voice raising as he went on. He didn’t even try to stop the pathetic cracks it made. It was always raspier after a show, more so now after breaking down and crying after the show. Zayn had found it endearing and loved to tease Louis about it. He wouldn’t dare tonight. “It’s always Zayn this, Zayn that. Always what Zayn wants. Always waiting on Zayn. I don’t even know what the fuck you’re even doing here anymore! You should be gone!”

Zayn quickly caught the lad when he started to push him towards the exit and spun them around to push Louis up against the wall. “You need to calm down,” Zayn said, voice low, face inches from Louis’s flustered one. “I get it. You’re angry. But you need to calm the fuck down before you do something you’ll regret.”

“If I regret anything, then it’s ever meeting you,” Louis clenched his jaw, staring into Zayn’s eyes. He didn’t miss the hitch in Zayn’s breath at his words. He knew he was hurting the lad, too. Maybe that’s what he wanted. Wanted Zayn to feel the pain he was feeling.

“You don’t mean it,” Zayn whispered, hands gripping Louis’s wrists tightly.

Louis squirmed beneath Zayn and nodded. “I wish we never met. I wish none of us ever met you. The boys deserve better than a flake like you.” He tried tugging his hands from Zayn’s grip, but the hands only tightened around his wrists. “Get off of my fucking bus before I make you,” he threatened.

Zayn shook his head and leaned in closer, “I’m sorry, Boo.”

“Don’t you dare fucking call me that. You lost the privilege to ever call me that again.” With a burst of confidence, Louis shoved Zayn away and watched him stumble back before Zayn was surging forward and kissing Louis hard on the lips.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn repeated, murmuring against Louis’s lips.

“Get the fuck off me,” Louis huffed, but made no move to physically push Zayn away this time. He knew he should move away. He knew he should put a stop to this. It would only make the goodbye worse. “Don’t… fucking… touch… me…” Louis muttered between desperate kisses to Zayn’s lips.

Zayn’s hands released Louis’s wrists before reaching down and lifting Louis by his thighs and pressing him to the wall. A soft gasp left Louis’s lips, hands coming up to grip Zayn’s arm and shoulder. “You need to go,” Louis grunted and buried a hand in Zayn’s hair to tug harshly so he could kiss and bite on Zayn’s neck.

“You act so high and mighty, but you’re no better than I am,” Zayn muttered, fighting back a moan from the feeling of Louis’s mouth abusing his skin and Louis’s plump arse in his hands. He turned and carried Louis over onto the couch before dropping him and climbing on top. “You’re just as fucked as I am. We all are.”

Louis shook his head and pulled Zayn back down for another kiss. “There you go again, complaining about bullshit. All you fucking do,” he rasped out as Zayn ground their hips together. Soon hands were clutching skin as sweaty clothing was pulled off their bodies. It wasn’t the first time the two had kissed or the first the two had had wandering hands, but it was the first both were naked and touching this way.

“You’ve always thought you were better than us. That’s what it is, innit? You being some bigshot. Too self-absorbed to claim to be a part of a boy band?” Louis taunted, only winding Zayn up more. Louis’s words only made Zayn angrier, only made him grind harder, bite harder. Louis loved every moment of it. “We made you. You’d be a Nobody without us.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Zayn was the one to say this time as he thrusted spit-slick fingers into Louis, smirking at the gasp that left Louis’s parted lips. “You can never shut up. You say I whine constantly, but have you heard yourself? You never know when to stop. You’re such a fucking child. Bugging the shit out of all of us.” He pushed his fingers in deeper, relishing in the sounds Louis made with each movement of Zayn’s fingers. He wished they had done this long ago, preferably gentler, more loving.

Soon Zayn was spitting in his hand to slick himself up and pushing into Louis, both boys groaning at the feeling. “I hate you,” Louis breathed out, tipping his head back and carding his fingers through Zayn’s hair as Zayn kissed his neck.

“Maybe I hate you, too,” Zayn grunted out with a particularly hard thrust into Louis. Maybe it was easier this way. Angry sex and lies. Push each other away and not speak of the true feelings that lie beneath the surface. Zayn rather Louis hate him and move on than know Louis loved him. He couldn’t break Louis’s heart, but regardless, he was doing as such.

Louis’s nails raked down Zayn’s back each time Zayn thrusted against that sweet spot. Curses of each other’s names and claims of hate were whispered beneath their breaths. Lips brushed skin, followed by bites and tongues. Limbs tangled together and moans echoed through the bus as the lads came.

 _I love you._ “You’ll always be the one I hate the most,” Zayn murmured against Louis’s temple. Louis fought off the stinging behind his eyes and held Zayn a little tighter.

Louis swallowed thickly. _I love you, too._ “Fuck off, asshole,” he whispered in response and squeezed his eyes shut. They stayed wrapped up in each other’s embrace as their breathing evened out and the cold seeped into the bus and brushed their sticky and sweaty skin. If Zayn tightened his grip on Louis, he’d blame the cold. He wasn’t trying to keep Louis as close as he could before he left. He wasn’t trying to prevent the inevitable split.

Zayn glanced down at the sniffling lad and pressed gentle kisses to his jaw, biting back tears of his own. Neither spoke until they were both asleep, naked bodies pressed together.

Louis woke the next morning, cold and alone.

“Zayn?” he called out gruffly, voice thick with sleep. Slowly, Louis raised his head to find all of Zayn’s things gone. All that was left was a piece of paper lying next to him with a note reading _it’ll always be you – Z._

Louis carefully laid the paper back down as he sat up and stared at the seemingly empty tour bus. He sighed and sank back against the couch.

_Stage Five: Acceptance_


End file.
